25 WAYS TO COMMUNICATE RESPECT

 (Or Let Us Think about Hypocrisy for a Moment)

Commentary on this article: http://lovinglifeathome.com/2012/08/06/25-ways-to-communicate-respect/ [cited: 1/8/2014]

So, I stumbled upon this in the internet… And it thoroughly pissed me off. It’s not that I’d disagree with everything, but the way it’s written… Seriously, people, I know this is trying to send a good message, but at least in my case, it’s failing miserably.

Before I start: I have no intentions to show disrespect to the author by stating my opinion. This is not an attack on their personal believes, it’s me standing up for my believes. Some of the things may sound radical, cynical, or otherwise over the top, but many of them are too often overlooked.

Let me address this point by point.

1. Choose Joy.

All right. Hurrah. Who wouldn’t want to be happy? Yes, don’t try to manipulate people with feelings (you’ll do it subconsciously anyway), but nobody should be told that joy is the only thing they are allowed to feel. It’s a feeling like any other. By far the most pleasant, true, but just one of them. You feel the need to be sad? Be sad. You have anger burning inside you? Let it out. In a smart way, of course, not by yelling at the first person who comes by. There are ways of dealing with emotions, but we have the right to feel all of them.

2. Honour His Wishes.

Yes. Do. It’s important. But. Do it for the right reasons. Not because he’s your husband (or boyfriend), not because somebody tells you so. Do it because you want to, because it’ll make him happy, and you want him happy.

And please, don’t anyone even start with the house work. It’s not a wife’s duty. It’s the duty of both of them. Saying anything else is just sexist.

3. Give Him Your Undivided Attention

Valid point here, but I’d also like to point out that if a woman is already busy doing something, the man should perhaps wait until she finishes. Now, I’m sure anyone can look away from the news for a couple of minutes, but some things are important and should not be interrupted, period.

4. Don’t Interrupt.

Uh-huh. What was I saying?

Otherwise, this is something I can’t argue with. One out of four. Congrats.

6. Pray for Him.

First, it should be the individual’s choice who and what to pray for. Second, by telling God the man’s faults, you are still kind of focusing on them, are you not? Which goes against point five (Emphasize His Good Points). And especially if you happen to believe in the law of attraction, complaining not a good idea.

9. Smile at Him

Yes, smiles are very nice. However, they’re not to be forced on when all you want to do is fall apart. Smiling is supposed to come from a place of joy inside us, so doing it for somebody else’s sake won’t cut it. Maybe it’ll work the first time, and the second, and the twenty-third, but it will fail eventually.

10. Respond Physically

Don’t make excuses when he’s in the mood? Excuse me? Granted, headache is a bad excuse since sex is actually supposed to make it go away, but there are perfectly valid reasons to turn down sex. Reasons, not excuses. If the husband is so great, the wife will sleep with him anyway, but everyone has the right to refuse intercourse. It’s your body, and you get to decide what to do with it, no one else.

11. Eyes Only for Him

Let’s not pretend we can walk through life blind. We see things. We notice thing. Notice people. Sometimes, we like what we see, but that doesn’t mean we’ll necessarily cheat on the spouse. What happened to “we’re all God’s creation” in this case? Are we allowed to appreciate the beauty of nature, but not of people? Note, I don’t mean obsessing over people, or lusting over them, or cheating anyone. Just noticing.

As for movies and books—hobbies are a personal thing. If you notice something is making you uncomfortable, you stop doing it. If you enjoy it, you keep on doing it. If you love someone and are loved in return, you wouldn’t just throw that away for a dream of a fictional romance, and if you would, then it might be the time to ask yourself whether what you have in real life is the right kind of love. Besides, everybody has fantasies they don’t really want to see come true. Imagination is the safest and healthiest place for those to happen.

13. Prepare His Favourite Food

That… is a great way of showing your husband he matters and everyone else that they don’t matter as much because they aren’t thirty years older and married. Unless you have no children and make your favourite food the other four days of the week. ^^

14. Cherish Togetherness

This sounds really adorable and sweet. On the other hand, it could be an emotional-dependency syndrome. Not to talk bad about the author (because I don’t know anything about her), but trying to be around somebody all the time is not a good sign. The ability to be alone is something many of us struggle with, but it’s important if any relationship is to remain healthy. And honestly, I don’t quite believe anyone can find everything their beloved says interesting, no matter how madly in love they are. We’re meant to be individuals with personal opinions and areas of interest, and we have different people in our lives to enjoy different things with them. Nothing wrong with that.

17. Dress to Please Him

No. No, no, no, no. Dress to please yourself. If you feel good in what you’re wearing, that will show. Moreover, there is such a thing as a desire to look pretty for somebody, but it comes from the inside, not from other sources. Sometimes, everyone wants to wear sweatpants and a too-big t-shirt.

Here’s the thing about people you normally want to dress up for. Yes, you want to look beautiful for them, but you also know they will accept you no matter what you wear, or if you have make-up on or not, or if a strand of your hair doesn’t stand perfectly. Hell, maybe your hair looks horrible because you’ve been lying on the couch watching tv, or maybe your legs desperately need shaving. It happens every now and then, and it should not be held against anyone. You don’t owe it to anyone but yourself to take care of your body and think about what you wear. Doing that has to make you feel good. Your clothes are your choice, your freedom, your ability to express yourself.

18. Keep the House Tidy

Sure. As long as he’s helping or doing something else that is equally important for housekeeping…

19. Take His Advice

The first part of that sounds very much okay. The second part? Follow his advice only insofar as it’s good and goes together with what you feel is right.

23. Forgive His Shortcomings

Yes. But also forgive yourself. It’s just as important if not even more so.

24. Don’t Argue

Once again, yes, but only accept your part of the blame. Feeling responsible for anything that is not your fault will eventually come back to bite you.

25. Follow His Lead

Now, unless you’re a 24/7 sub, how about no? Marriage should be about equality, about two people making decisions together, pulling the family in the same direction together because they came to a mutual agreement by talking things through and meeting halfway.

The worst thing? There is no article telling men how to respect women. Oh, there is a link to an article on another blog, but that one’s titled 25 Ways to Show Your Wife You Love Her. Why not 25 Ways to Communicate Respect to Your Wife? Love and respect often go together, but they are not the same thing; one doesn’t mean the other. Do men deserve to be respected because respect is a serious word, and the male world is all serious and high and mighty? And women only deserve to be loved because their world is one of sentiment? Not saying that feelings are worth less than rationality—in fact, they aren’t to me—but the society is much more rationality-oriented. Brain and intelligence are to be celebrated and made good use of, and feelings are to be pushed aside because they get in the way of reason. It’s a subtle difference made by the titles, most likely unconsciously, but it’s a difference nevertheless.

My point in all this? Putting the other’s happiness first sounds like a nice thing, right? Well. It may sound selfish, but the only way to make other happy is to be happy yourself. Otherwise it’s all just a show, and every show ends at some point.

(Now let me go sit in the corner and think about the hypocrisy of writing things I haven’t figured out how to do in real life yet.)